Life in the Field Jokes

The refinery turnaround was so badly planned that on day three the crew did exactly what the name says.

The per diem rate has the same problem as a worn probe.

The safety coordinator said I needed a hot work permit before I could use the grinder.

I've figured out why it's called the graveyard shift.

Our rope access crew has outstanding morale.

The confined space attendant takes his job seriously.

Wind turbine technicians never complain about the job.

The aircraft inspector checked every lockwire on the engine twice.

Rail inspectors never get lost.

The ship's inspector said the ballast tank inspection was going badly.

Bridge inspectors are the only people who never burn bridges.

The smartest member of any pipeline crew is the pig.

The machinist said the new fixture was a perfect fit.

Nuclear plant outage crews have a special kind of job security.

That site orientation video is the only document in the plant that has never had a revision.

Why did the technician pack a gallon of couplant for a two-hour job?

What's the most expensive thing on a shutdown?

Why do inspectors always end up in the room next to the ice machine?

How does an inspector stay warm on a January pipe rack?

Why was the technician late to the safety meeting?

What's an inspector's favorite kind of weather?

What do you call a scaffold without a tag?

What did the hi-rail truck say to the technician after fourteen hours?

Why does every tool at the top of the stack have a lanyard?

What's the only instrument in the truck that's always within tolerance?

Why did the wind technician bring a spare checklist to the top of the tower?

What's the difference between a pipeline job and a marathon?

Why did the aircraft inspector refuse the coffee in the hangar?

What's wrong with the dry dock schedule?

Why did the rail inspector bring a ruler to the meeting?

What did the dosimeter say to the inspector at the end of the shift?

What did the casting say to the inspector?

Every under-bridge inspection truck is available all year, except the week of the inspection.

The fastest-moving item on any turnaround is the doughnut box.

Hangar night shift: bright lights, spotless floors, and a vending machine that's still empty.

I've been on the road so long that my truck's check engine light and I are both pretending everything is fine.

Safety is the only department that celebrates when nothing happens.

The best part of any confined space is the exit.

I carry three flashlights: one to see with, one for backup, and one to find the first two.

Outage PPE: three layers of everything, and the size is always 'one size fits nobody.'

A refinery turnaround is a month of planning for what changes in the first six hours.

At a nuclear outage, the dose is tracked to a thousandth of a rem and the schedule to the nearest 'about.'

Pipeline crews measure distance in joints, time in dig days, and morale in ice.

The wind is calm at the ground and has a lot of opinions at the top.

Shipboard inspection: where every hatch is exactly the wrong size for the instrument case.

In a rail yard, the track you need to inspect is always the busiest one.

On a bridge, everyone else is on top of the problem. The inspector is under it.

In aerospace inspection, 'it's just a scratch' triggers a six-page form.

You might be an NDT technician if your idea of a vacation is a project with no night shift.

You might be an inspector if you judge every scaffold by its tag before you judge it by its view.

You might be a field technician if your truck holds more couplant than your kitchen holds groceries.

You might be on a shutdown if you know every vending machine in the plant by its worst snack.

You might be a traveling technician if you can find the nearest laundromat faster than the nearest grocery store.

You might be an NDT technician if you've been too hot on a tank roof at noon and too cold in the same tank at midnight.

You might be a night shift technician if breakfast is dinner and dinner is a vending machine.

You might be a rope access technician if 'hanging out with coworkers' is a safety requirement.

You might be a manufacturing inspector if you can tell a shift change by the sound of the forklifts and the smell of coolant.

You might be a turnaround veteran if you say 'scope growth' like it's a diagnosis.

You might be a wind technician if you check the forecast for the climb and the schedule for the weather.

You might be a pipeline inspector if your office is a tailgate and your meeting room is a ditch.

You might be a rail inspector if you can tell a yard's mood by how many boxcars are parked on the wrong track.

You might be a shipyard inspector if you've ever said 'it's right through that hatch' without being able to find the hatch.

You might be an outage technician if you know your dosimeter better than your phone.

At 2 a.m. on a refinery turnaround, the foreman asked how the Magnetic Particle Testing was going. 'Third weld of forty,' I said. Then he asked what day it was. Neither of us knew, so we settled on 'night shift.'

I asked the motel clerk for a room away from the ice machine. She checked the screen and said, 'Good news, I have one nowhere near it.' It was right above the ballroom, where a wedding was just getting started.

A rope access technician hung a hundred and fifty feet up, taking a thickness reading. The radio crackled: 'Hey, quick question.' He said, 'I'm in the middle of something, literally.' The voice said, 'No problem, I'll wait.' He waited twenty minutes. Then he got the question. It was about lunch.

I climbed out of the tank, tired and proud. The attendant asked, 'Did you find anything?' 'Mostly my lost sense of direction,' I said. He handed me the permit for the next tank. 'You've got four more.'

A technician reported a missing wrench at the end of a hangar shift. All work stopped. Forty people searched every compartment for two hours. It was in his hip pocket. Nobody ever lost that wrench again, because nobody let him forget it.

The excavator dug all morning to expose joint 41. The inspector climbed into the ditch, brushed off the pipe, and read the stamp: joint 14. 'Good news,' said the foreman. 'We're way ahead on joint 14.'

The wind technician spent forty minutes climbing, three hours inspecting the blade, and forty minutes coming down. His manager asked how the day went. 'Productive,' he said. 'The paperwork will take two days.'

Aboard the ship, the inspector asked where the next tank was. The first mate pointed at a hatch the size of a pizza box. 'Through there,' he said. 'It's always through there.' The inspector spent the next hour learning which of his tools were truly necessary.

The new technician packed for his first outage: hard hat, safety glasses, gloves, harness, flashlight and three pens. The Level III checked the list and nodded. 'Perfect. Now add ten more pens.'

The track inspection crew arrived at the yard at dawn. The dispatcher said, 'The track will be free in about ten minutes.' Four hours later, it was still about ten minutes. The crew learned that in rail, 'ten minutes' is a unit that doesn't convert.

On the underside of the bridge, the inspector found the best view in town: the river below, the traffic above, and a family of pigeons who had clearly filed no permits. He logged them as 'existing conditions.'

The site's safety lead finished orientation and asked for questions. The new technician raised his hand. 'Where's the nearest muster point?' She handed him a gold star for his hard hat.

The night crew finished the last tank at dawn. As they walked to the truck, the sun came up, the day crew arrived, and the client's manager waved. 'Great timing!' he said. 'We have one more tank.'

Per Diem (n.): A daily allowance designed to cover meals, calculated by someone who has never been hungry.

Area Release (n.): Official word that the hazards have checked out, so you can check in.

Standby (n.): Paid waiting, during which the technician's most-used instrument is the clock.

Hot Work Permit (n.): The one piece of paper on site that can tell the schedule 'not yet' and be right.

Turnaround (n.): A scheduled shutdown during which the plant stands still so that everyone else can run around.

Tailgate Meeting (n.): A safety discussion held in a parking lot, where the first hazard is usually the weather.

Graveyard Shift (n.): The hours between midnight and dawn, when the thing most likely to go out of tolerance is you.

First Article (n.): The one part inspected as if the whole order depends on it, because it does.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Per diem.
Per diem who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Permit.
Permit who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Overtime.
Overtime who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Scaffold.
Scaffold who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Crew.
Crew who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwell.
Dwell who?

There once was a tech at the gate
Who was happy to stand by and wait.
When the gas test read clear
He gave a small cheer,
Since 'clear' is his favorite state.

Cold wind on the roof
Couplant thick as winter mud
Coffee, please, hurry

Night shift, vending light
Dinner is a bag of chips
Sunrise brings the boss

A rope access tech named Lee
Hung high where the wind blew free.
Said the foreman, 'Look down!'
He replied with a frown,
'I'll look when my scan's done, see?'

Motel ice machine
Rattles like a bad cable
Sleep? Not in this room

Confined space entry
Gas test clear, attendant set
My flashlight goes first

Blade against the sky
Cold hands, a long climb, one scan
The wind says hurry

Are you a scaffold tag? Because I wouldn't go anywhere without your approval.

Are you a borescope? Because you light up even the darkest corners of my engine.

Are you a nacelle? Because you're way up there, and I'd climb all day to see you.

Are you a bridge bearing? Because you carry the whole load and never complain.

Ever notice the coffee pot is the first thing on site and the last thing to demobilize?

Nobody warns you that after six weeks on the road, your own bed starts to feel like a motel.

Ever notice the vending machine in a plant always stocks everything except what you want?

Nobody warns you that in aerospace inspection, the smallest tool in the drawer has the longest paperwork.

Ever notice the wind farm is perfectly calm the day before the job and the day after?

Nobody warns you that the hard hat you were issued is somehow both too tight and too loose.

Ever notice the more remote the job site, the more detailed the safety orientation and the fewer places there are to sit?

Ever notice the bridge inspector's truck is always parked half a mile from the one bolt that needs checking?

Ever notice that on a ship, the one cable you need is always at the other end of the vessel?

How long is a refinery turnaround?

A work permit is valid for one shift, and the job needs a shift and a half.

You might be a refinery inspector if you own more helmet stickers than business cards.

Turnaround (n.): A month of planned work that begins with a two-week surprise.

Nobody warns you that the weld you need to inspect is always at the top of the tallest tower, and the elevator is always 'being repaired next week.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Turnaround.
Turnaround who?

How long is a refueling outage?

At the pre-job briefing, the inspector asked for the dose estimate. 'Five minutes in the area,' said the planner. 'The inspection takes forty.' 'I planned for the ideal inspector.' 'Meet the real one,' said the inspector, 'who needs forty minutes and a revised radiation work permit.'

The outage was set for ten days,
With plans in a bright-colored maze.
By the fourth, we were late,
By the sixth, it was fate,
And the schedule was lost in a haze.

Outage (n.): The only time a power plant is happy to be producing nothing.

Refueling Floor (n.): The one place in the plant where everyone talks quietly, walks slowly, and still runs out of time.

Nobody warns you that the outage badge office has a longer line than the plant has pipes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Outage.
Outage who?

What is the most common thing found on a foreign object debris walk?

What does an inspector get for finding a crack on the last day of a heavy check?

Foreign Object Debris (n.): Anything on the hangar floor that wasn't there the last time the inspector looked.

Heavy Check (n.): An inspection so thorough that the airplane gets to see parts of itself it has never seen.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fastener.
Fastener who?

How do you measure a pipeline inspector's career?

The dig crew worked all day and finally got to the bottom of it.

A pipeline career is full of ups and downs, mostly depending on the ditch.

A pipeline job has three speeds: waiting for the weld, waiting for the weather, and waiting for the next crew.

The right-of-way is wide enough for a pipeline, three trucks, and an argument about where the fourth truck should park.

Mud is the only thing on a pipeline job that arrives early, stays late, and ends up in every report.

You might be a pipeline inspector if your truck has more mud inside than outside.

You might work on pipelines if you know the mile marker for every gas station with good coffee.

The crew waited two hours for the weld to cool. The inspector checked it, accepted it, and marked it. The foreman asked about the next weld. 'It's in the next section,' said the inspector, 'on the other side of the creek.' Everyone looked at the creek. The creek did not move.

Mud up to the axle.
The next weld is ten miles on.
The coffee runs out.

Right-of-Way (n.): The narrow strip of land where everything must fit, including the truck, the pipe, and the plan.

Weather Window (n.): A short period of acceptable conditions, always one hour shorter than the weld.

Ever notice that the pipe is always longer than the road to it?

Nobody warns you that the closest motel to the right-of-way is always 'fifty minutes from here,' no matter where you are.

The pipeline inspector always walks the line. Mostly because the truck got stuck.

Why do ship inspectors love dry dock?

What is the biggest thing in a ship's void space?

Submarine hull inspectors really dive into the details.

In a ballast tank you have to keep a level head. The tank rarely does.

Coating, scaffolds, and cable: the three things standing between an inspector and the weld.

You might be a shipyard inspector if you know which ladder leads to the weld and which one leads to a long walk back.

Flashlight in the void.
The hull plates stretch out like days.
The ladder is far.

Void Space (n.): A compartment that is empty by name and full of inspection by nature.

Dry Dock (n.): Where a ship goes to find out what the water has been saying about it.

Ever notice that the scaffolding in a tank is always built just short of the weld you need?

Nobody warns you that on a ship every direction is forward, aft, port, starboard, up, down, or 'ask the person who works here.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?

What is a bridge inspector's favorite lane closure?

You might be a bridge inspector if you know what the underside of every overpass in the county looks like, but not one exit number.

Nobody warns you that the one page the wind takes off the bridge is always the signed one.

What is the most unreliable part of any wind farm job?

The nacelle is the only office where the view is spectacular and the commute is three hundred feet straight up.

You might be a wind technician if you rate every sunrise by how many miles per hour it brought with it.

Weather Window (n.): A brief period of acceptable wind, announced just after the crew has left.

Cold wind, long ladder
One rung, then another rung
The nacelle waits there

What does a hi-rail inspector have in common with a train?

Rail work is the only job where the best view for eleven hours is the same two lines.

You might be a rail inspector if you can tell what time it is by the sound of the freight train, and which train it is by how long you've been waiting.

You might be a rail inspector if you pack your lunch for the work window and eat it in the last few minutes of the work window.

A rail inspector drove forty miles on hi-rail to check one reported crack. She found it, measured it, wrote it up, and drove forty miles back. Her supervisor asked how it went. 'Smallest crack, longest drive,' she said. 'It all comes out evenly on the report: one line.'

Ever notice the sound of the train you're waiting for is always the sound of a different train?

Track Window (n.): A scheduled block of time on the rail, minus the time it takes to get there, set up, wait, and leave.

Sunrise on the rail
Cold steel hums a freight train's song
Window now open

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ballast.
Ballast who?

Are you a mile marker? Because every time I see you, I know I'm on the right track.

Every kickoff meeting in January starts by breaking the ice. Ours was on the walkway.

How much daylight does a winter inspection crew get?

Winter inspection is mostly a search for the one finger that still works.

You might be a winter inspector if you have ever kept a bottle of couplant inside your coat to keep it from freezing.

The crew lined up the instruments next to the heater so the batteries would last. By lunch the instruments had the best seats in the shack, and the crew was standing outside holding the clipboard. Nobody complained. The instruments had been tested more thoroughly than anyone else on the job.

Frost on the scaffold,
hand warmers in every glove,
coffee turns to ice.

Nobody warns you that safety glasses fog up the moment you lean over the one weld you need to see.

Ever notice that short winter days mean you start in the dark, finish in the dark, and the weld you needed is at noon?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Frost.
Frost who?

I tried to keep my cool next to the 300 °F pipe. The thermometer suggested I keep my distance.

Sunscreen is just surface preparation for people.

What's the best-attended item on a July job schedule?

You might be a summer inspector if you have ever scheduled a scan around the shadow of a tank.

The crew found the only shade on the site, behind a storage tank. Then the sun moved, and the shade moved with it. By four o'clock they had followed it forty feet across the yard and scanned nothing. They all agreed it was the most productive shade tracking in the history of the site.

Noon sun on the tank,
the couplant is running off.
So is my patience.

Hydration Break (n.): A scheduled pause, and the only item on the schedule the crew has ever finished ahead of time.

Nobody warns you that a helmet is a personal greenhouse by noon.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ice.
Ice who?

Why did the inspector grab a free pen at every booth on Tuesday?

The conference hotel has three kinds of coffee: weak, weaker, and the sample from booth 214.

A pen from booth nine
writes for exactly one page
then retires in peace.

Nobody warns you that the booth you wanted to visit has the longest line, and the one you didn't has the best snacks.

At a turnaround the unit is down, but the pressure is definitely up.

What is the most important tool at a turnaround?

By day twenty-six of a turnaround, the only relevant discontinuity is in the schedule.

You might be a turnaround inspector if you have ever said 'See you in thirty days' to your family and meant it.

Vessel opened wide,
scaffold goes up, permit signed,
clock keeps ticking on.

Turnaround (n.): A planned shutdown in which a refinery spends millions to open everything, look inside, and be surprised.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Manway.
Manway who?

An outage is a power plant's way of saying 'We're out, but you're in.'

What is an outage with no delays?

How many hours are in an outage day?

Why do outage workers read the radiation work permit so carefully?

In an outage, everything is measured in hours: the work, the dose, the schedule, and the line for the break room.

You might be an outage inspector if you know what time it is by which pre-job briefing you are attending.

Outage clock ticks on,
tubes passed, forms signed, doses logged,
day twelve of twenty.

Critical Path (n.): The chain of jobs that can't slip, and the one the inspection always lands on.

Nobody warns you that an outage is long enough to learn every name in the plant and short enough to forget them all before the next one.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Outage.
Outage who?

The last shift before the break is the only time 'wrap it up' is both an instruction and a decoration.

Why did the crew love the snow day?

The last shift before the break has one rule: nothing new starts and nothing old gets finished.

Snow on the scaffold,
last report signed, truck warmed up.
Break begins at last.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?

The first thing removed in a heavy check is the interior. The second is the schedule's optimism.

You might be an aerospace inspector if...

Before the wing was closed up, the inspector counted her tools out loud. 'Twelve,' she said. Then she counted again. The crew chief asked why. 'The wing closes in an hour,' she said, 'and the tool count is the one number nobody negotiates.' The crew chief nodded and started counting his own pockets.

A dry dock is the one place where the ship is on dry land, the crew is deep in a tank, and the schedule is still at sea.

You might be a ship inspector if...

The ship sat in dry dock, quite dry,
While inspectors checked low and checked high.
They said, 'All is fine!'
Then the date drew its line:
'Undocking is Monday. Goodbye.'

Dry Dock (n.): A place where the ship finally holds still and everyone else finally doesn't.

Ever notice that the tank you need to inspect first is always the one underneath every other tank you need to inspect?

Ever notice that a ship looks small from the pier and enormous once you're inside its tanks with a gauge and a deadline?

After three days of rain, the spread crawled through the right-of-way.

What's the longest thing on a pipeline job?

Pipeline season is three months of mud, three months of dust, and one nice afternoon that the schedule takes credit for.

You might be a pipeline inspector if...

Mud up to the knee,
the spread moves a mile today.
Tomorrow: rain, too.

Right-of-Way (n.): The land a pipeline crosses, and what mud has over everything on it.

Weather Day (n.): A day when the welding spread is paid to watch the sky, and the inspector is paid to watch the spread watch the sky.

Nobody warns you that the longest part of pipeline construction is the three hours before the first weld, when everyone is waiting on one truck.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Weld.
Weld who?

Why do bridge inspectors never get lonely?

Bridge inspection season has two forecasts: sunny and windy, and sunny and windier.

You might be a bridge inspector if...

Lane Closure (n.): A traffic restriction that gives the inspector eight hours and gives every driver eight opinions.

Ever notice that the wind on a bridge deck is always twice the forecast and aimed directly at your paperwork?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Girder.
Girder who?

Low-wind season is when the turbines finally get a rest.

Why did the inspector bring a book to the weather window?

A weather window is the gap between 'too windy to climb' and 'too late to start.'

You might be a wind inspector if...

The inspector reached the top of the tower after a long climb, caught her breath, and opened the hatch to the nacelle. 'Everything okay up there?' the radio asked. 'Great view,' she said. 'And I forgot my torque wrench.' There was a pause. 'I have one,' the radio said. 'It's in my truck.'

Towers stand so still.
Seven calm days, and then wind
the hour we begin.

Weather Window (n.): A short stretch of good weather, scheduled around the crew's availability, which has not read the schedule.

Rope Access (n.): A method of reaching the blade in which the inspector hangs around and the schedule hangs on.

Ever notice that the wind dies down the day after the crew leaves site?

Nobody warns you that the view from the top of a turbine is spectacular, and that you get about nine seconds to enjoy it before the next task.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tower.
Tower who?

Rail flaw detection is a job that takes you places.

Why did the rail inspector refuse to take a shortcut?

A rail inspector's day ends when the last train has passed, which is never when the schedule says.

You might be a rail inspector if...

The inspector got a four-hour track window and rode the hi-rail truck out to mile marker 112. Setup took an hour. The first mile took another. By the third hour the dispatcher said a freight train was due. 'How much did you cover?' he asked. 'Eleven miles,' she said, 'and one rail that needs a second look.' She cleared the track with ten minutes to spare. The train was an hour late anyway.

Mile marker one-ten.
Flaw marked, window closing fast.
Train horn: time to clear.

Ever notice that the train running late is always the one that shows up early when your window is closing?

Nobody warns you that the longest part of a rail inspection day is the drive just to reach the track.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rail.
Rail who?

The wedge says 70 degrees, and the weld says, 'Prove it.'

Couplant always runs out at the exact moment you are farthest from the shop.

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

At 3 a.m. on a turnaround I realized I'd been finding indications for two hours that moved whenever I rotated the probe. The wedge was cracked. The only discontinuity on the job was in my equipment.

Ever notice that every Ultrasonic Testing job has exactly one weld you can only reach by lying on your side with the probe in your off hand?

Nobody warns you that Ultrasonic Testing is 5 percent physics and 95 percent finding a flat spot on a part nobody cleaned.

Why do eddy current technicians love heat exchangers?

The inverse square law says doubling your distance quarters the intensity, which is why you stand where the rope says.

Physics doesn't care that the schedule says Friday.

Nobody warns you that the inverse square law also applies to classroom attention, with distance measured in rows.

Ever notice that the source always needs changing on the one weekend you made plans?

Radiographers set the best boundaries. Theirs come with tape, rope, and a survey meter.

Radiographers are the only people who shout 'Radiation!' on a job site and have everyone nearby relieved they said it.

How does a radiographer end an argument?

What does a pipeline crawler say when its radiograph is rejected?

Radiography is the only trade where the best shift starts when everyone else goes home.

Time, distance, and shielding: the three things every radiographer wishes the schedule would respect.

You might be a radiographer if your idea of a perfect night is cold, dark, and nobody within a hundred feet.

You might be a radiographer if your car has a roll of barricade tape in it and your family stopped asking why.

A new technician was told: no light in the darkroom, ever. So when the power went out in the whole building, he happily kept loading film. Twenty minutes later he walked out and found everyone in the parking lot looking for him. He was the only person in the building who wasn't scared of the dark.

At 2 a.m., in the rain, the client's rep asked, 'What's the rope for?' The radiographer said, 'It marks the edge of the radiation boundary.' The rep looked at the rope, then at his truck. He has watched every exposure from the heated cab since, and says the view is better.

Two radiographers argued for an hour about whose turn it was to carry the survey meter. The supervisor finally settled it: 'You both carry one.' They looked down. Both were already wearing one.

Barricade (n.): A rope, some tape, and a surprising amount of authority.

Exposure Time (n.): The only period during which everyone on site becomes a patient person.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wire.
Wire who?

Ever notice it only rains after you've taped the cassette to the pipe?

Nobody warns you that radiographers see the best sunrises, and every one of them is behind a barricade.

Nobody warns you that you spend four hours setting up for a four-minute exposure, and the four minutes are the only part anyone wants to watch.

On night shift, an inspector spent forty minutes chasing an indication that moved every time she wiped the part. It turned out to be a firefly that had wandered into the booth and decided the UV-A lamp was the best party in town.

Nobody warns you that the hardest part of Magnetic Particle Testing is finding a clean part to inspect.

What does a penetrant inspector do during dwell time?

Dwell time is the only time in the shop when 'wait for it' is a quality requirement.

Pre-cleaning is ninety percent of penetrant inspection and a hundred percent of the arguments.

In Penetrant Testing, patience isn't a virtue. It's a minimum dwell time.

You might be a penetrant inspector if you've ever told your kids to let the stain dwell for fifteen minutes before washing.

At minute two, the client tapped his watch. At minute four, he sighed. At minute nine, he asked what the penetrant was even doing in there. At minute fifteen, the inspector said, 'Okay, now we wipe it off.' The client looked at the part, then at his watch, and quietly asked if there was a chair.

Dwell Time (n.): The penetrant's turn to work, refereed by an inspector with a stopwatch.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwell.
Dwell who?

Dwell time, nothing more.
Red thread blooms on the white coat.
The crack tells its tale.

Nobody warns you that Penetrant Testing is mostly cleaning, a little waiting, and a lot of squinting.

Ever notice that the one stretch of the day you get to sit still is the dwell time, and somebody still hands you a clipboard?

The booth lighting upgrade was a bright idea. The inspectors have never been so enlightened.

How many inspectors does it take to check a weld in a dark tank?

What do you call an inspector who is happy with the lighting?

Why do inspectors carry a small mirror and a magnet?

I have 20/20 vision and I still can't see why we're doing this at 3 a.m.

Direct sunlight: the one light source that makes your weld gauge unreadable and your sunburn very readable.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lumen.
Lumen who?

Ever notice that the weld nobody wants to inspect is always above head height, on the far side, in the rain?

My instrument battery died at the top of the tower. It was a low point at a high altitude.

Running out of couplant is the most slippery slope in the field.

My instrument case was very heavy on the stairs. It really weighed on me.

Why wouldn't the instrument battery go up the scaffold?

What's the heaviest piece of NDT equipment?

The instrument works perfectly in the shop and develops trust issues in the field.

A reference block weighs three pounds in the shop and forty on the third level of scaffold.

You might be an NDT tech if your first question on any scaffold is "How do I get the cart up there?"

The technician was ninety feet up and tied off when the battery warning flashed. He saved his data, climbed down and swapped in the spare. At the bottom he gave the instrument a short lecture about timing. It stayed on the rest of the shift out of respect.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gauge.
Gauge who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Battery.
Battery who?

There once was a tech who climbed high
With an instrument under his eye.
When the battery died
At the top, he just sighed
And enjoyed the view and the sky.

Ever notice that instruments never fail at the shop, where there's a spare, only in the field, where there's nobody?

Nobody warns you that you'll spend more time carrying NDT equipment than using it.

Corrosion under insulation is the problem you can't see, but it knows you're coming.

Why did the technician ace the eye exam and still miss the discontinuity?

My eye exam is current, my hours are logged, and my certification card is in my wallet. Naturally, my wallet is in the truck at the other jobsite.

The practice says I need four hundred hours. It doesn't say how many can be spent waiting for the scaffold.

Your certificate says you are qualified. Your knees say you earned it climbing scaffolds.

Pat's logbook had a blank week because the job was rained out. His boss asked what he'd done. 'Watched the weather.' 'You can't log that.' 'Waited on the forecast.' 'Can't log that either.' 'Then I'll log the other thing I did all week,' said Pat. 'Practicing patience. I'm basically a Level III in it.'

Ever notice the code book has a table of contents, an index, and three appendices, and the answer is still in a footnote?

Why did the technician write the report in the truck?

You might be a technician if you've ever written a report on a clipboard on a scaffold in the rain.

You might be an inspector if you've ever said 'The report's in the truck,' and the truck is in another state.

Jacket peeled away,
rust has painted the pipe wall.
The schedule turns pale.

Ever notice that a unit that is 'ready for inspection' always needs one more valve closed, one more blind pulled, and one more permit signed?

What is a pressure vessel's least favorite day?

You might be a refinery inspector if one pressure vessel's inspection file is thicker than its shell.

A dosimeter is the most loyal coworker you will ever have. It goes everywhere you go and quietly keeps track.

You might be an outage inspector if you've planned your whole week around a four-hour window that opens when someone else finishes.

You might work in nuclear if you've signed in, signed out, and signed for the same pencil.

How many outage inspectors does it take to change the plan?

An outage schedule measured in hours is the only calendar where lunch counts as a milestone.

You might be an aircraft inspector if you can't walk past a fastener without checking the torque stripe.

On day one of the heavy check, the planner asked the inspector where the airplane was. The inspector pointed at forty labeled bins, three work stands and a fuselage with every panel open. 'That's her,' she said. 'She's just spread out a little.'

Ever notice that an aircraft is the only machine where the first thing you check is the last thing somebody fixed?

Every aircraft part has a paper trail, and sometimes the paper weighs more than the part.

The airline wants the airplane in the air, the regulator wants it on the ground until it's right, and the inspector is the only one who can read both clocks.

On day one the owner's representative promised paved access to every weld. By day three the road was a ditch, the ditch was a creek, and the creek was the only way to the next site. The inspector sent a photo with one line: 'Found the paved access. It's under there.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pig.
Pig who?

The dry dock schedule keeps floating. The ship never does.

Shipyards have thousands of welds, and the one you need to inspect is always at the other end of the ship.

You might work on ships if your tape measure has seen more of the hull than the captain has.

Ever notice that tank inspection reports are written in feet and inches by people who spent the day crouched in a tank?

You might be a bridge inspector if your coffee has a lid, your clipboard has a leash, and your hat has a chin strap.

The county engineer asked how the bridge inspection was going. The inspector arrived with a snooper truck, two flaggers, a lift operator and a six-page traffic plan. 'That's a lot of equipment,' said the engineer. 'Ma'am,' said the inspector, 'on a bridge, this is the light version.'

Ever notice every bridge owner wants the inspection done before the next rain and the report on their desk before the inspector has climbed down?

A bridge inspector named Dwight
Checked a rivet that looked just right.
Then he found, with a sigh,
Forty thousand more nearby,
And he logged them until it was night.

Why did the wind technician bring a copy of his certifications to the base of the tower?

On a wind farm, 'Tower 47' is a location, a work order and a state of mind.

Wind has more energy than any inspector at the top of a tower climb, and uses it more efficiently.

You might be a rope access technician if your tool bag has more tethers than tools.

The wind farm owner asked how long the blade inspection would take. 'Two days, if the weather holds,' said the crew lead. Monday was calm. Tuesday was calm. Wednesday the wind hit thirty miles per hour. 'Why isn't anything finished?' asked the owner. 'Too windy,' said the crew lead. 'It's a wind farm,' said the owner. 'Exactly,' she said. 'Just not the right amount.'

The crew's new borescope had a seven-hour battery and a lovely screen. At the base of the tower it said 100 percent. At the top of the tower it said 14 percent. 'It's the cold,' said the technician. The battery said 9 percent. 'And the altitude,' he said, and headed back down to charge it.

Ever notice a turbine earns money when it spins and an inspector earns money when it stops?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yaw.
Yaw who?

You might be a manufacturing inspector if you've ever set your coffee on the surface plate and been scolded by a machinist.

The inspector at the end of the conveyor is always on a roll.

What is a rail inspector's favorite kind of rail flaw?

A hi-rail truck is the only vehicle that can drive on the road and on the railroad, and be late for both.

The railroad granted the inspection crew a four-hour track window. They set up, got on the rail, and began. At minute 200 the dispatcher radioed: 'Good news, you've got five extra minutes.' The crew lead asked, 'What do we do with five minutes?' 'Same as always,' said the dispatcher. 'Clear the track.'

Nobody warns you that rail flaws are like trains: you wait for one, and three show up together.

Ever notice the track chart has every milepost, every switch, and every siding, except the one you're standing at?

The rail inspector never worries about job security. He says it has deep roots and plenty of ties.

Rail inspectors have an easy time making decisions. They just follow the line.

My hand warmer and my glove have excellent contact. No couplant needed.

Why does a battery read full at breakfast and empty by ten in the cold?

My gloves have two modes: warm enough to work, or thin enough to work. Never both.

The instrument screen is easiest to read at sunset, which is also when the shift ends.

Ever notice that sound slows down in hot steel, and so does everyone standing next to it?

The turnaround scope was frozen on Monday. By Wednesday it had thawed, grown, and added an exchanger.

Why did the inspector love the opened vessel?

Why did the pulled tube bundle get so much attention?

The scheduler asked the inspector when the vessel would be done. 'When the scaffold is up,' said the inspector. The scaffold lead said, 'When the permit is signed.' The permit office said, 'When the inspection plan is approved.' The inspector smiled. 'That's what I'm waiting on.' Everyone agreed it was the one thing all week that had gone in a perfect circle.

Ever notice the vessel is opened on day three and the findings show up on day twenty-eight?

Nobody warns you that at a turnaround, 'one more exchanger' means eleven more exchangers.

'How many steam generator tubes are left?' Carlos asked. 'About three thousand,' said the lead. 'Great,' said Carlos. 'I'll be done by Thursday.' It was Monday. By Wednesday the outage clock had moved the finish line to Saturday. Carlos quietly rescheduled his weekend. It had gotten used to it.

The crew was finishing a report on New Year's Eve. At 11:58 p.m., Sam asked, 'Should we sign it now or in the new year?' 'Now,' said the Level III. 'I'm not explaining a signature that crossed midnight.' They signed at 11:59. It was the most punctual report of the year.

Ever notice that the week before the break is when every client discovers something urgent?

Day three of the heavy check, and the aircraft finally opened up to the inspector.

What is the heaviest part of a heavy check?

Panels laid in rows,
the wing's secrets all exposed.
Deadline: Friday noon.

Task Card (n.): A single sheet of paper that begins with the word 'Inspect' and ends with three more sheets of paper.

Ever notice that the fastener you need to inspect is always behind the one panel nobody can find the key for?

Nobody warns you that the flashlight is the busiest tool in a heavy check, and the one nobody remembers to charge.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hangar.
Hangar who?