The confined space attendant takes her job seriously.
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She never leaves her post, and she always keeps the entrants in the loop.
Maritime and Navy Jokes
Inspection humor from the world of maritime and navy. 42 jokes made for maritime and navy, plus 974 more that fit every industry.
Seasonal pack: Dry-Dock Days
The ship's inspector said the ballast tank inspection was going badly.
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She said it was a real hull of a day.
The scheduler said the job has zero float.
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I said that explains why it's sinking.
What's wrong with the dry dock schedule?
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The ship is out of the water, but the schedule is still in hot water.
Shipboard inspection: where every hatch is exactly the wrong size for the instrument case.
You might be a shipyard inspector if you've ever said 'it's right through that hatch' without being able to find the hatch.
Aboard the ship, the inspector asked where the next tank was. The first mate pointed at a hatch the size of a pizza box. 'Through there,' he said. 'It's always through there.' The inspector spent the next hour learning which of his tools were truly necessary.
Ever notice that on a ship, the one cable you need is always at the other end of the vessel?
Why do ship inspectors love dry dock?
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It's the one day the hull shows everyone what it's been hiding.
Why is an ultrasonic thickness gauge a good shipmate?
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It checks every plate on board and never complains about the food.
What is the biggest thing in a ship's void space?
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The name.
Submarine hull inspectors really dive into the details.
In a ballast tank you have to keep a level head. The tank rarely does.
The dry dock schedule keeps floating. The ship never does.
A ship's hull is mostly steel, with a little water on one side and a lot of paperwork on the other.
Shipyards have thousands of welds, and the one you need to inspect is always at the other end of the ship.
Coating, scaffolds, and cable: the three things standing between an inspector and the weld.
You might be a shipyard inspector if you know which ladder leads to the weld and which one leads to a long walk back.
You might work on ships if your tape measure has seen more of the hull than the captain has.
The Navy inspector reviewed the weld map with the shipyard supervisor. 'All of these are required?' asked the supervisor. 'Every one,' she said. 'Even this one in the forward void?' 'Especially that one.' The supervisor sighed, picked up a flashlight, and handed her the other one.
The ship was due to leave dry dock Monday. By Friday the inspector found a weld that needed repair. 'How long?' asked the project manager. 'A day to repair, a day to cure, and a day to re-inspect.' 'We have one day.' 'Then the ship has one day to learn to wait.'
Flashlight in the void.
The hull plates stretch out like days.
The ladder is far.
Void Space (n.): A compartment that is empty by name and full of inspection by nature.
Dry Dock (n.): Where a ship goes to find out what the water has been saying about it.
Ever notice that the scaffolding in a tank is always built just short of the weld you need?
Nobody warns you that on a ship every direction is forward, aft, port, starboard, up, down, or 'ask the person who works here.'
Ever notice that tank inspection reports are written in feet and inches by people who spent the day crouched in a tank?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?
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Hull-o, is the inspector on board?
I asked the inspector how the hull plate was doing.
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She said it's thin-skinned.
The undocking date arrived with inspection items still open.
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The yard said they'd have to float the idea of another week.
Why did the ship inspector bring a ladder into the empty dry dock?
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She had a lot of ground to cover, and most of it was straight up.
What does a hull plate say after a thickness survey?
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'Don't read too much into it.'
A dry dock is the one place where the ship is on dry land, the crew is deep in a tank, and the schedule is still at sea.
An ultrasonic thickness reading is good to a thousandth of an inch. The undocking date is good to about a week.
You might be a ship inspector if...
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...your favorite sentence in the English language is 'The tank has been certified safe for entry.'
The inspector crawled into the ballast tank and started the thickness survey. By reading forty, every one said 0.312 inch. 'Remarkably consistent plate,' she told the radio. Then she looked down and found the chalk mark she'd made an hour earlier. She had been measuring the same spot.
The ship sat in dry dock, quite dry,
While inspectors checked low and checked high.
They said, 'All is fine!'
Then the date drew its line:
'Undocking is Monday. Goodbye.'
Dry Dock (n.): A place where the ship finally holds still and everyone else finally doesn't.
Undocking Date (n.): The one measurement on the project that was never taken with a gauge.
Ever notice that the tank you need to inspect first is always the one underneath every other tank you need to inspect?
Ever notice that a ship looks small from the pier and enormous once you're inside its tanks with a gauge and a deadline?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?
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Hull be ready by Friday, the yard promised.