Welding and Welders Jokes

The fit-up was so bad the welder said, 'It's just a gap in communication.'

I asked the welder if the preheat was done. He said, 'I warmed up to the idea.'

Welders have a great sense of humor. It's just a slow burn.

The weld symbol said fillet, one-quarter inch, both sides, all around. The welder said, 'So basically, a hug.'

A tack weld is just a weld that's afraid of commitment.

The weld looked great on the surface. It was going through a lot underneath.

Grinding is the art of apologizing to a weld, one pass at a time.

Welders say the weld is done when it's cool. Inspectors say it's done when it's cooled, cleaned, and cleared.

Porosity in a weld is just the weld's way of saying it needed some air.

Repair welds are the only second chances that come with a grinder.

Why did the welder bring a ruler to the inspection?

What did the weld say to the grinder?

Why did the welder get promoted to supervisor?

How can you tell a welder is finally serious about the job?

What do welders do at the gym?

Why did the weld bead look so lonely?

Why did the inspector reject the fillet weld?

Why do welders make good friends?

What did the welder say when the inspector asked about the grinding?

Every weld is perfect in the shop. Out here it has weather, an audience, and a radiograph.

A welder knows exactly how many passes the weld took. An inspector knows exactly how many it should have.

The welding procedure says what you must do. The welder says what he's always done. The inspector says what he's about to write down.

Preheat is the one time metal gets pampered before being put through the fire.

The weld map says weld seventeen is on the north side. The vessel says north is a matter of opinion.

A welder signs his work with a bead pattern. An inspector signs his with a rejection tag.

Weld symbol literacy is the ability to read a drawing and discover you've welded the wrong side.

The welder swears the weld is fine. The inspector swears he heard a pop. Both are telling the truth, which is the real problem.

You might be a welder if your 'nice shirt' has fewer burn holes than your work shirt.

You might be a welding inspector if you walk past a stranger's fence and wonder who did the fit-up.

You might be a welder if you've ever said 'It'll grind out' with total confidence.

You might be an inspector if you've ever said 'Looks fine from here' and then regretted the 'from here.'

The welder handed the inspector a perfect-looking weld. 'Nice,' said the inspector. 'Thanks,' said the welder. 'It's also my third one today.' 'Third?' 'The first two had porosity.' 'Where are they?' The welder nodded at the grinder. 'It's been very busy.'

The welder insisted the plate had been preheated. The inspector held his temperature crayon to it. The mark did not melt. 'It was warm when I started,' the welder said. 'So was the day,' said the inspector. They preheated it again, together.

The apprentice read the weld symbol and welded the arrow side. The symbol was above the line. 'Above the line means the other side,' said the foreman. 'So the arrow side is the side the arrow isn't on?' 'No.' 'Then which...' 'Let's get you a drawing and a coffee.'

A welder bragged to the crowd, 'Twenty-five years, thousands of welds, never a single reject.' In the back, the inspector whispered, 'It's true. He studies the acceptance table the way other people study a menu.'

Fit-Up (n.): The stage of welding where a gap is a root opening if it's within tolerance and a story if it isn't.

Preheat (n.): The part of welding where the metal gets warmed up and the schedule gets cooled off.

Undercut (n.): A groove at the weld toe, and what your confidence gets when the inspector arrives.

Heat-Affected Zone (n.): The area near the weld that was fine until someone got too close. Also, the break room.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Weld.
Weld who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Bevel.
Bevel who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tack.
Tack who?

A welder named Pete took great pride
In a weld that looked flawless outside.
But the film showed a trail
Of fusion that failed,
And Pete's pride began to subside.

Bead smooth, bright, and flat.
Beneath it, a hidden gap.
The film will tell all.

The welder said, 'Inspect it today.'
The inspector said, 'Well, if I may,
There is undercut here
At the toe, I fear.'
'Don't worry,' he said, 'it'll grind away.'

Are you preheat? Because you make everything around you hold together better.

Are you a weld inspector? Because you've got me under magnification and you still haven't rejected me.

Ever notice that welders always have one more pass in them? And the inspector always has one more question?

Nobody warns you that a good weld and a bad weld look exactly alike from fifteen feet away.

Ever notice that the best-looking weld in the shop always has the longest story behind it?

Why does a girth weld never get lost?

Shipyards have thousands of welds, and the one you need to inspect is always at the other end of the ship.

The weld robot never takes a break, never asks for overtime, and never explains why the fixture moved.

The welder and the inspector were both responsible for the girth weld.

The crew finished the girth weld in record time. The inspector arrived to find three hundred feet of pipe behind it and a crew holding coffee. 'We were fast,' the foreman said. 'Great,' she said. 'Now we all wait for it to cool.' The foreman looked at the weld. The weld looked at the foreman. Everyone drank their coffee.

Go easy on me. I'm not as solid as I look.

The weld gauge and the fillet gauge got along great. They always measured up.

I trust that fillet weld. Both legs measured up to three-sixteenths, so it's leg-it.

Why was the fillet gauge so confident?

A weld gauge is the only tool in the shop that tells welders the truth to the sixteenth of an inch.

You might be an inspector if you've ever checked a bathtub caulk bead with a fillet gauge.

The client held the flashlight while I checked the underside of the weld. "Looks fine to me," he said, shining it on the ceiling. I took the light back, aimed it at the weld, and showed him where "fine" had been hiding.

Weld Gauge (n.): A small metal ruler with strong opinions about the sixteenth of an inch.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fillet.
Fillet who?

Low light skims the weld,
a ridge of shadow appears:
undercut confessed.

A weld seemed quite sound to the eye,
With no flaw that a glance could spy.
Then a light, held down low,
Made the undercut show,
And the welder said, "Grinder, stand by."

Are you a flashlight held at a low angle? Because you bring out every little thing about me.

The weld had porosity. It was full of holes and still insisted it was solid.

Slag inclusions are the only things in the weld that feel left out and included at the same time.

Incomplete fusion is just a weld with commitment issues.

Undercut is the weld's way of cutting corners, one groove at a time.

Hydrogen cracking is the only discontinuity that waits until everyone has gone home.

Why did the welder blame the wind?

What did the base metal say to the weld bead that never fused?

Why did the undercut apologize to the base metal?

Cluster porosity is what happens when the gas bubbles all go out together.

You might be a welder if you've ever said "it's just a little porosity" and meant the whole bead.

The welder asked the inspector if the porosity was acceptable. "It's a discontinuity," said the inspector. "So it's fine?" "It's a discontinuity." "Is it a defect?" "Let me check the table." He checked. "It's a defect." "You said it was just a discontinuity." "It was," said the inspector, "before I read the table."

The inspector found the indication on the third pass, circled it, and waved the welder over. The welder squinted, then smiled. "That's just a scratch." The inspector rubbed the spot. Nothing changed. The welder rubbed it. Still there. "Okay," said the welder. "That's a very stubborn scratch."

Porosity (n.): A weld with more holes than a colander and the same confidence about holding things together.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Slag.
Slag who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Porous.
Porous who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lack.
Lack who?

Round dots on the film,
the shielding gas left early
and left these behind.

Slag hides in the groove
beneath the next pass, and waits
for the film to talk.

Nobody warns you that half of inspection is drawing a map so someone else can find what you found.

The vessel passed the hydrotest. The paperwork is still under pressure.

When two codes disagree about one weld, the only thing both will accept is a longer schedule.

You might be a welding inspector if you've ever flipped to the acceptance table before saying hello.

The safety coordinator said I needed a hot work permit before I could use the grinder.

A change order is a lot like a repair weld.

At the kickoff meeting, the client asked how many welds we would inspect. 'All of them,' we said. 'And how many will be rejected?' 'That depends on the welder.' The client looked at the welder. The welder looked at the inspector. The meeting broke for lunch, the only item that passed first time.

The crew waited two hours for the weld to cool. The inspector checked it, accepted it, and marked it. The foreman asked about the next weld. 'It's in the next section,' said the inspector, 'on the other side of the creek.' Everyone looked at the creek. The creek did not move.

Mud up to the axle.
The next weld is ten miles on.
The coffee runs out.

Weather Window (n.): A short period of acceptable conditions, always one hour shorter than the weld.

The Navy inspector reviewed the weld map with the shipyard supervisor. 'All of these are required?' asked the supervisor. 'Every one,' she said. 'Even this one in the forward void?' 'Especially that one.' The supervisor sighed, picked up a flashlight, and handed her the other one.

The ship was due to leave dry dock Monday. By Friday the inspector found a weld that needed repair. 'How long?' asked the project manager. 'A day to repair, a day to cure, and a day to re-inspect.' 'We have one day.' 'Then the ship has one day to learn to wait.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?

Bridge steel has been carrying trucks since before I was certified and has never once asked for continuing education.

Somewhere under every old bridge is a 1960s weld that would like a word with the current code book.

A forging with a lap proves some parts just fold under pressure.

You might be a pipeline inspector if...

Mud up to the knee,
the spread moves a mile today.
Tomorrow: rain, too.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Weld.
Weld who?