Pipeline Jokes

I once ran Time-of-Flight Diffraction on a weld for six hours before noticing the encoder was unplugged. The data was beautiful. It was also one single point, six hours long.

What does a pipeline crawler say when its radiograph is rejected?

Guided wave testing is a long-distance relationship that works: you send out a wave and hear back from every weld along the way.

Why did the guided wave get confused at the elbow?

Guided wave screening covers a hundred feet of pipe in minutes, then politely asks another method to do the actual measuring.

The guided wave operator reported a signal at forty feet. "Is it corrosion?" asked the owner. "It might be a weld, a support, or a flange." "But is it corrosion?" "Only one way to find out," said the operator, and handed him a shovel and a second method.

Why did the pipeline inspector keep her code book in a sealed bag?

Every weld is perfect in the shop. Out here it has weather, an audience, and a radiograph.

The best-informed member of any pipeline crew is the pig.

The pipeline crew says they run like a well-oiled machine.

What's the difference between a pipeline job and a marathon?

Pipeline crews measure distance in joints, time in dig days, and morale in ice.

You might be a traveling technician if you can find the nearest laundromat faster than the nearest grocery store.

You might be a pipeline inspector if your office is a tailgate and your meeting room is a ditch.

You might be a client if you think the report on two miles of pipeline will fit on one page.

The excavator dug all morning to expose joint 41. The inspector climbed into the ditch, brushed off the pipe, and read the stamp: joint 14. 'Good news,' said the crew lead. 'We're way ahead on joint 14.'

Tailgate Meeting (n.): A safety discussion held in a parking lot, where the first hazard is usually the weather.

How do you measure a pipeline inspector's career?

Why does a girth weld never get lost?

What is an in-line inspection pig's favorite subject?

The dig crew worked all day and finally got to the bottom of it.

A pipeline career is full of ups and downs, mostly depending on the ditch.

A pipeline job has three speeds: waiting for the weld, waiting for the weather, and waiting for the next crew.

The right-of-way is wide enough for a pipeline, three trucks, and an argument about where the fourth truck should park.

Mud is the only thing on a pipeline job that arrives early, stays late, and ends up in every report.

You might be a pipeline inspector if your truck has more mud inside than outside.

You might work on pipelines if you know the mile marker for every gas station with good coffee.

The crew waited two hours for the weld to cool. The inspector checked it, accepted it, and marked it. The crew lead asked about the next weld. 'It's in the next section,' said the inspector, 'on the other side of the creek.' Everyone looked at the creek. The creek did not move.

On day one the owner's representative promised paved access to every weld. By day three the road was a ditch, the ditch was a creek, and the creek was the only way to the next site. The inspector sent a photo with one line: 'Found the paved access. It's under there.'

Mud up to the axle.
The next weld is ten miles on.
The coffee runs out.

Right-of-Way (n.): The narrow strip of land where everything must fit, including the truck, the pipe, and the plan.

Holiday (n.): A gap in the pipe coating. Unlike the other kind, nobody is happy to see it.

Weather Window (n.): A short period of acceptable conditions, always one hour shorter than the weld.

Ever notice that the pipe is always longer than the road to it?

Nobody warns you that the closest motel to the right-of-way is always 'fifty minutes from here,' no matter where you are.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pig.
Pig who?

The pipeline inspector always walks the line. Mostly because the truck got stuck.

The welder and the inspector were both responsible for the girth weld.

After three days of rain, the spread crawled through the right-of-way.

Why does the pipeline crew treat the radiographer like the weather?

What's the longest thing on a pipeline job?

Pipeline season is three months of mud, three months of dust, and one nice afternoon that the schedule takes credit for.

The pipeline moves a mile a day. The paperwork moves at the speed of the last signature.

You might be a pipeline inspector if...

The crew finished the girth weld in record time. The inspector arrived to find three hundred feet of pipe behind it and a crew holding coffee. 'We were fast,' the supervisor said. 'Great,' she said. 'Now we all wait for it to cool.' The supervisor looked at the weld. The weld looked at the supervisor. Everyone drank their coffee.

Mud up to the knee,
the spread moves a mile today.
Tomorrow: rain, too.

Right-of-Way (n.): The land a pipeline crosses, and what mud has over everything on it.

Weather Day (n.): A day when the welding spread is paid to watch the sky, and the inspector is paid to watch the spread watch the sky.

Ever notice that the girth weld that needs a re-shoot is always at the far end of the spread?

Nobody warns you that the longest part of pipeline construction is the three hours before the first weld, when everyone is waiting on one truck.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Weld.
Weld who?