Clients and Bosses Jokes

Project managers are a lot like radiographic film.

The scheduler said the job would take no time at all.

Our salesperson promised the client full coverage.

The client asked for a flexible scope of work.

A change order is a lot like a repair weld.

The pipeline crew says they run like a well-oiled machine.

The client asked us to sharpen our pencil on the quote.

The scheduler said the job has zero float.

A project manager's email and an Ultrasonic Testing pulse have a lot in common.

The client said the area would be ready by Monday.

The client says our report is still in review.

The tank inspection took a week.

My supervisor says overtime is a team sport.

Our weekly project meeting works like an air gap.

The client has three priority levels: high, urgent, and 'Why isn't it done yet?'

Who arrives first, leaves last, and still gets blamed for the schedule?

What's the most dangerous question in NDT?

What's the shortest sentence on any project?

What do clients and penetrant have in common?

What's the shortest distance between sales and the field?

Why is the invoice always higher than the quote?

What's the difference between a client's complaint and a transducer?

Why did the project schedule fail its Ultrasonic Testing scan?

What does ASAP stand for during a shutdown?

What's a project manager's favorite part of the code book?

Why did the inspector's report get a standing ovation?

Who has the hardest job in a pre-job meeting?

Why are the office and the field like Snell's law?

What do project managers hear when an inspector says 'relevant indication'?

What's a salesperson's favorite NDT method?

What does a client hear when you say, 'We need more time'?

Why did the project manager add a margin to the schedule?

A schedule is a confident guess with a Gantt chart.

Every client's three favorite words: 'No relevant indications.'

Every project has three phases: enthusiasm, panic, and finding out who forgot to order the probes.

Sales sells the dream. The field delivers the weather.

I once received a one-line scope of work: 'Inspect the bridge.' It was the longest document I've ever read.

Nothing builds a team like a client email sent at 4:59 p.m. on Friday.

'Simple job' is the technical term for 'nobody has looked at it yet.'

Every client has two speeds: 'ASAP' and 'We'll get back to you.'

A client who wants real-time data has never met a Wi-Fi signal inside a tank.

Meetings end with 'Let's circle back.' Inspectors know the only thing that should be circled is a relevant indication.

In the office, a deadline is a date. In the field, it's a weather forecast.

In manufacturing, the first-article inspection is the one time a part gets looked at as carefully as the invoice.

The client said the turnaround was on schedule, and the schedule was on a different continent.

The cheapest bid always arrives with the longest list of change orders.

You might be a technician if a client email that begins 'Quick question' makes your eye twitch like a bad probe cable.

You might be an inspector if you can say 'no' in six different tones, none of which actually sound like 'no.'

You might be a project manager if you describe a six-month delay as 'a slight schedule adjustment.'

You might be a Level III if you've been asked 'Is it okay?' by someone who didn't read the procedure.

You might be in NDT sales if you can say 'Phased Array Ultrasonic Testing' in one breath, twice.

You might be a client if you think the report on two miles of pipeline will fit on one page.

You might be an inspector if 'by end of day' makes you ask whose day and which time zone.

You might be a Level II if your boss says 'You've got this' right before assigning someone else's job.

You might be a project coordinator if you have two phones, three calendars, and no memory of lunch.

At the power plant, I spent three hours finding the right gate, an hour at security and six hours on the inspection. My boss asked if I had any recommendations. 'Yes,' I said. 'A map.'

The client asked how long the inspection would take. 'Three weeks,' we said, 'weather permitting.' He looked out at the rain. 'So, how long?'

A client asked the technician how she found such a tiny crack. 'Magnetic particles,' she said. 'They gather where the field leaks out.' He nodded. 'So the crack told on itself?' 'Cracks always do. You just have to ask the right way.'

The project manager scheduled a meeting to discuss why the project was behind schedule. The meeting ran forty minutes over, and the project fell another day behind. He scheduled a follow-up meeting to discuss the delay.

The salesperson said we could finish in two days with two technicians. On day nine, the technicians sat in the truck with the schedule. 'Which two days?' one asked. 'The ones in the quote,' said the other.

A new project coordinator asked how long Radiographic Testing takes. 'It depends on the thickness,' I said, 'and the source strength, the geometry, and the film.' She wrote it all down and added a new column to the schedule, titled 'It depends.'

At the kickoff meeting, the client asked how many welds we would inspect. 'All of them,' we said. 'And how many will be rejected?' 'That depends on the welder.' The client looked at the welder. The welder looked at the inspector. The meeting broke for lunch, the only item that passed first time.

At 4:58 p.m. on a Friday, the manager asked the technician to quickly check one more weld. By 6:30, the weld, three nearby welds, and a sandwich had all been checked. The manager sent a thank-you email: 'Great work! Quick question about Sunday.'

The scheduler gave the technician a thirty-minute window to get from one tank to another. The tanks were a mile apart. 'I can do it,' the technician said, 'if the gate is released.' The scheduler studied the site map. 'Good news,' she said. 'There are only three gates.'

Quick Question (n.): A request that begins with a short sentence and ends with a long weekend.

Kickoff Meeting (n.): A gathering in which everyone agrees on the schedule and then privately disagrees.

Deliverable (n.): A thing promised, in writing, by someone who won't be doing it.

ASAP (adv.): A deadline with the numbers removed.

Scope of Work (n.): A short document about what's included, followed by a long argument about what isn't.

Status Update (n.): A weekly summary in which green means nobody has looked yet.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Quote.
Quote who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Meeting.
Meeting who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Scope.
Scope who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Deliver.
Deliver who?

A client said, 'Make the thing clear
By Friday, and cheap, and sincere.'
The tech said, 'I see,
You want fast, good, and free?
Pick two, then I'll see you next year.'

Quick question, he said
Three hours later, I'm done
It was not so quick

Gantt chart, green and bright
Then one weld gets rejected
Chart turns red as dawn

A scope that began small and neat
Grew daily, a bit, with each sheet.
By the end of the day,
It had grown, so they say,
To a job that required a fleet.

Client email, late
'Quick question' is how it starts
Weekend, goodbye now

Are you a change order? Because every time you show up, my budget goes up.

Are you a quote? Because you're the best offer I've seen, and I'd hate to read the fine print.

Are you couplant? Because everything just works better when you're around.

Are you a gas test? Because I always check with you before I go anywhere.

Ever notice clients get very interested in your work two minutes before the shift ends?

Nobody warns you that finding a rejectable indication makes you the most important and least popular person on site.

Ever notice the person who says 'It's a simple job' is never the one doing it?

Ever notice every client wants 'the full report' until they see the page count?

Nobody warns you that the client who asks for 'the short version' will email four follow-up questions about the long one.

Ever notice every project is 90 percent complete for half of its schedule?

Ever notice the one tool the office thinks you don't need is the one that fails on site?

The operator wanted the storage tank floor inspected without taking the tank out of service. 'Does it have a floor?' asked the inspector. 'Of course.' 'Then I'll need to see it.' 'It's under a million gallons of crude.' 'Then I'll need a million gallons less crude,' said the inspector, 'and about three weeks.'

Ever notice that a unit that is 'ready for inspection' always needs one more valve closed, one more blind pulled, and one more permit signed?

The plant manager asked how long a heat exchanger bundle would take. The inspector pulled it, cleaned it, tested every tube and wrote the report. 'Great,' said the manager. 'And the other twelve?' 'Same,' said the inspector. 'Twelve times.' The manager did the math and quietly sat down.

Ever notice that operations measures a thin spot in mils and maintenance measures it in weekends?

You might be an outage inspector if you've planned your whole week around a four-hour window that opens when someone else finishes.

The outage manager asked how long the weld inspection would take. 'Two hours,' said the inspector. The manager wrote two hours, then added the walk to the weld, the permit and the scaffold. 'Four hours,' he said. 'Now it's accurate.'

How many outage inspectors does it take to change the plan?

An outage schedule measured in hours is the only calendar where lunch counts as a milestone.

On day one of the heavy check, the planner asked the inspector where the airplane was. The inspector pointed at forty labeled bins, three work stands and a fuselage with every panel open. 'That's her,' she said. 'She's just spread out a little.'

The airline wants the airplane in the air, the regulator wants it on the ground until it's right, and the inspector is the only one who can read both clocks.

On day one the owner's representative promised paved access to every weld. By day three the road was a ditch, the ditch was a creek, and the creek was the only way to the next site. The inspector sent a photo with one line: 'Found the paved access. It's under there.'

The dry dock schedule keeps floating. The ship never does.

The ship was due to leave dry dock Monday. By Friday the inspector found a weld that needed repair. 'How long?' asked the project manager. 'A day to repair, a day to cure, and a day to re-inspect.' 'We have one day.' 'Then the ship has one day to learn to wait.'

The county engineer asked how the bridge inspection was going. The inspector arrived with a snooper truck, two flaggers, a lift operator and a six-page traffic plan. 'That's a lot of equipment,' said the engineer. 'Ma'am,' said the inspector, 'on a bridge, this is the light version.'

Ever notice every bridge owner wants the inspection done before the next rain and the report on their desk before the inspector has climbed down?

The bridge inspector refused to join the committee. He said he already does enough pier review.

The wind farm owner asked how long the blade inspection would take. 'Two days, if the weather holds,' said the crew lead. Monday was calm. Tuesday was calm. Wednesday the wind hit thirty miles per hour. 'Why isn't anything finished?' asked the owner. 'Too windy,' said the crew lead. 'It's a wind farm,' said the owner. 'Exactly,' she said. 'Just not the right amount.'

Ever notice a turbine earns money when it spins and an inspector earns money when it stops?

What is a production manager's definition of a quick check?

On a production line, yesterday's part is a fact and today's part is a hypothesis.

You might be a manufacturing inspector if your lunch box has a traveler.

Rework (n.): The only word in manufacturing that means doing it a second time and charging it to a different department.

The railroad granted the inspection crew a four-hour track window. They set up, got on the rail, and began. At minute 200 the dispatcher radioed: 'Good news, you've got five extra minutes.' The crew lead asked, 'What do we do with five minutes?' 'Same as always,' said the dispatcher. 'Clear the track.'

The rail inspector never worries about job security. He says it has deep roots and plenty of ties.

Networking is couplant for careers: it fills the gap so the signal can pass between people.

What is the first rule of trade show swag?

Lena spent Monday visiting booths, and every one scanned her badge and promised a follow-up. By Friday she had forty-one emails, one pen that worked, and a calendar invite from a company she could not remember visiting. She accepted it anyway. It turned out to be the best demo of the year.

Badge Scan (n.): A beep that means you will hear from a company for the next eleven months.

Ever notice that the best conversation at a conference happens in the hallway, ten feet from the session you paid to attend?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Badge.
Badge who?

The turnaround scope was frozen on Monday. By Wednesday it had thawed, grown, and added an exchanger.

At a turnaround the schedule is a plan, a prediction, and a work of fiction, usually all on page one.

The scheduler asked the inspector when the vessel would be done. 'When the scaffold is up,' said the inspector. The scaffold lead said, 'When the permit is signed.' The permit office said, 'When the inspection plan is approved.' The inspector smiled. 'That's what I'm waiting on.' Everyone agreed it was the one thing all week that had gone in a perfect circle.

Nobody warns you that at a turnaround, 'one more exchanger' means eleven more exchangers.

The outage schedule is the one document every department reads and every department disagrees with.

Ever notice that the most precise thing in a plant outage is the clock, and the least precise is the estimate?

What is a December schedule?

Holiday Schedule (n.): A calendar that lists every day off and every deadline that moved into the day before.

Ever notice that the week before the break is when every client discovers something urgent?

The return-to-service date is the only part of the aircraft nobody ever opens up for inspection.

Return to Service (n.): The date that was chosen before the aircraft was opened.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hangar.
Hangar who?

The undocking date arrived with inspection items still open.

Undocking Date (n.): The one measurement on the project that was never taken with a gauge.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?

The lane closure lasts exactly as long as the inspection needs and exactly as long as the permit allows, and the two numbers have never met.

A turbine is never down for maintenance. It is resting before the next availability report.

A track time window is a promise from the railroad that expires the moment a train shows up.

Track Window (n.): A block of time on the railroad that the schedule gives, the dispatcher shortens, and the inspector spends racing.

What's the fastest thing on the production line in December?

At year-end the production schedule has two settings: 'busy' and 'busier, with doughnuts.'

You might be a manufacturing inspector if...

The line manager walked up to the inspector's bench on December 30th. 'Is the lot ready?' he asked. 'Almost,' she said. 'Two more pieces.' He nodded, then stayed. Ten minutes later: 'Is the lot ready?' 'You can see it from where you're standing,' she said. 'Then I'll stand here,' he said. 'In case it moves.'

Quota (n.): A number set in the fall that becomes very serious in December.

Ever notice that the part that fails first-article inspection is always the one the customer is waiting on?

Nobody warns you that the day before the holiday shutdown is the busiest day of the year at the inspection bench.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Quota.
Quota who?

Why do managers love the C-scan?

The client asked why we need couplant. I explained that sound doesn't travel well through air. He nodded, then asked if we could just press harder. I said pressing harder only gets you a worn probe and a tired thumb, while a thin film of couplant gets you a signal.

The client watched our Phased Array Ultrasonic Testing setup for forty minutes. Finally he asked, 'You haven't started yet?' The technician said, 'Sir, this is the part where we find out whether we can see anything.' The client nodded. 'So, no.'

Ever notice that the back wall is always perfect in training and always missing when the client is watching?

The client asked if Eddy Current Testing could find a flaw on the far side of a thick steel plate. I explained skin depth. He nodded. 'So you need to be on the other side.' 'Yes.' 'Then why are you on this side?' That was a fair question.

Nobody warns you that 'cleaned tubes' can mean anything from spotless to scraped, and you find out only when the probe stops.

An impedance mismatch is why my talks with my boss reflect so much.

Physics doesn't care that the schedule says Friday.

Ever notice that 'it depends' is always true in physics and always unwelcome in a client meeting?

What's the radiographer's version of 'the check is in the mail'?

I don't have trust issues. I just want a second view at ninety degrees before I believe anything.

Time, distance, and shielding: the three things every radiographer wishes the schedule would respect.

The best thing about digital radiography is that the image appears immediately. The worst is that so does the client.

Exposure time is the one part of the schedule set by physics, and physics doesn't take meetings.

At 2 a.m., in the rain, the client's rep asked, 'What's the rope for?' The radiographer said, 'It marks the edge of the radiation boundary.' The rep looked at the rope, then at his truck. He has watched every exposure from the heated cab since, and says the view is better.

A client asked why the shop still used film. The radiographer held up a radiograph from 1987 and said, 'This one is still perfectly readable.' Then she asked, 'Do you still have a computer that can open your files from the same year?' The client ordered film for another year.

Ever notice that the one time you forget the step wedge is the time the client asks to see it?

Nobody warns you that you spend four hours setting up for a four-minute exposure, and the four minutes are the only part anyone wants to watch.

A part arrived covered in paint, oil, and what the customer called 'a little grime.' The inspector cleaned it for an hour. 'Why did that take so long?' the customer asked. 'The penetrant needs a way in,' she said. 'Like a handshake?' 'More like a door,' she said. 'And yours was painted shut.'

At minute two, the client tapped his watch. At minute four, he sighed. At minute nine, he asked what the penetrant was even doing in there. At minute fifteen, the inspector said, 'Okay, now we wipe it off.' The client looked at the part, then at his watch, and quietly asked if there was a chair.

A shop kept two black lights, one bright and one dim. The inspectors argued over the bright one until a Level III measured both and found someone had swapped the labels. The dim lamp had been working perfectly. The bright one had just been louder.

An inspector who honored the dwell
Gave the penetrant time to work well.
Though the crew paced and sighed,
The crack couldn't hide,
And the bleed-out had stories to tell.

You might be an inspector if you've ever said "hold that light still" to a person who was perfectly still.

The client held the flashlight while I checked the underside of the weld. "Looks fine to me," he said, shining it on the ceiling. I took the light back, aimed it at the weld, and showed him where "fine" had been hiding.

The light meter read half the level the procedure required. The inspector asked for a second lamp. It arrived by morning with an extension cord, a work order and a supervisor who had never seen a weld so well lit.

The flange looked bone dry. The technician brushed on bubble solution anyway. Within seconds a foam beard grew at the gasket. He wiped it off and reapplied it, and the beard grew back. 'A flange can look dry,' he said, 'but it can't fool soap.'

The thermographer scanned the electrical panel and found one connection glowing bright white against its cool neighbors. The electrician was skeptical. "Looks fine to me." The thermographer handed him the image. The electrician studied it for a long moment, then went to get the torque wrench.

The guided wave operator reported a signal at forty feet. "Is it corrosion?" asked the owner. "It might be a weld, a support, or a flange." "But is it corrosion?" "Only one way to find out," said the operator, and handed him a shovel and a second method.

Ever notice that every advanced method comes with a warning that it's a screening tool, and the client reads that as "the final answer"?

What's the difference between a probe and a probe cable?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The cable worked fine
Till I needed it to.

The inspector found a lamination in the incoming plate. The receiving clerk checked the order. 'It says one plate.' 'It's two,' said the inspector. 'They just aren't speaking.'

The inspector measured the remaining wall under the pump house floor. 'Remaining thickness is 0.210 inch,' he said. 'Required is 0.250.' 'How far off is that?' asked the apprentice. 'Forty thousandths,' said the inspector. 'About ten sheets of paper, all of them missing.'

Ever notice that the discontinuity the client worries about is never the one that matters, and the one nobody mentions ends up as item twelve in the report?

You might be a Level II if...

What does an inspector say when the spec contradicts the code?

The engineer's spec adds requirements, the code adds exceptions, and the inspector adds sticky notes.

The engineer phoned to say his spec was stricter than the code. 'Then I'll inspect to the spec,' said the inspector. 'But the spec only has half the acceptance criteria.' 'Then I'll use the code for the other half.' 'You can't mix them.' 'Then which one do you want?' There was a long silence, followed by a revised spec.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The code says one thing
And the contract says two.

Every report ends with 'Let me know if you have questions.' Nobody has ever had a question they didn't ask three days later.

The inspector spent six hours inspecting and five minutes on the report. 'That was quick,' said the client. 'I'm not done,' said the inspector. 'That was the first sentence.'

'I need the report ASAP,' said the client. 'It'll be ready tomorrow,' said the inspector. 'That's not ASAP.' 'It is. Tomorrow is as soon as possible. The possible part is doing a lot of work.'

I wrote the report and I sent it by two.
The client said, 'Great! Can you change it to blue?'
I changed it to blue, and I sent it by four.
He said, 'Could we go back to how it was before?'

The refinery turnaround was so badly planned that on day three the crew did exactly what the name says.

How long is a refinery turnaround?

Turnaround (n.): A month of planned work that begins with a two-week surprise.

The distillation column inspector says the job is all about fractions, but the schedule is the part that doesn't add up.

How long is a refueling outage?

The outage was set for ten days,
With plans in a bright-colored maze.
By the fourth, we were late,
By the sixth, it was fate,
And the schedule was lost in a haze.

Outage (n.): The only time a power plant is happy to be producing nothing.

I asked the turbine inspector how the rotor looked. 'Balanced,' he said. 'Unlike the schedule.'

What does an inspector get for finding a crack on the last day of a heavy check?

A pipeline career is full of ups and downs, mostly depending on the ditch.

A pipeline job has three speeds: waiting for the weld, waiting for the weather, and waiting for the next crew.

What is a bridge inspector's favorite lane closure?

Ever notice the load rating is the one number everyone remembers, and the inspection behind it is the one thing nobody mentions?

Fracture-Critical Member (n.): A bridge part with no backup plan, which is why the inspector has several.

What is the most unreliable part of any wind farm job?

Weather Window (n.): A brief period of acceptable wind, announced just after the crew has left.

A supplier shipped 500 brackets with a certificate saying every one was perfect. The inspector found a cracked one on the third part. 'Statistical outlier,' said the supplier. The inspector held it up. 'It's also a bracket.' The supplier took the whole lot back.

The plant manager cut the ribbon on the new inspection station, thanked everyone, and put a pallet of parts in front of it. By lunch there was a line of pallets behind it. 'This is working great,' he said. 'It's a queue,' said the inspector. 'That's how you know.'

Ever notice the pen always runs dry on the one line that needs a signature, and the spare pen is always the one that doesn't write?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Gauge.
Gauge who?

What does a hi-rail inspector have in common with a train?

You might be a rail inspector if you pack your lunch for the work window and eat it in the last few minutes of the work window.

Track Window (n.): A scheduled block of time on the rail, minus the time it takes to get there, set up, wait, and leave.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ballast.
Ballast who?

You might be an NDT tech if you can identify a vendor's booth by the pens in your bag.

Nobody warns you that the booth you wanted to visit has the longest line, and the one you didn't has the best snacks.

What is an auditor's favorite question?

The auditor doesn't ask about the hundred records you have. He asks about the one from March.

At a turnaround the unit is down, but the pressure is definitely up.

You might be a turnaround inspector if you have ever said 'See you in thirty days' to your family and meant it.

Turnaround (n.): A planned shutdown in which a refinery spends millions to open everything, look inside, and be surprised.

What is an outage with no delays?

Critical Path (n.): The chain of jobs that can't slip, and the one the inspection always lands on.

The last shift before the break is the only time 'wrap it up' is both an instruction and a decoration.

The last shift before the break has one rule: nothing new starts and nothing old gets finished.

The first thing removed in a heavy check is the interior. The second is the schedule's optimism.

A dry dock is the one place where the ship is on dry land, the crew is deep in a tank, and the schedule is still at sea.

The ship sat in dry dock, quite dry,
While inspectors checked low and checked high.
They said, 'All is fine!'
Then the date drew its line:
'Undocking is Monday. Goodbye.'

Dry Dock (n.): A place where the ship finally holds still and everyone else finally doesn't.

Ever notice that a ship looks small from the pier and enormous once you're inside its tanks with a gauge and a deadline?

After three days of rain, the spread crawled through the right-of-way.

Pipeline season is three months of mud, three months of dust, and one nice afternoon that the schedule takes credit for.

Right-of-Way (n.): The land a pipeline crosses, and what mud has over everything on it.

Weather Day (n.): A day when the welding spread is paid to watch the sky, and the inspector is paid to watch the spread watch the sky.

Nobody warns you that the longest part of pipeline construction is the three hours before the first weld, when everyone is waiting on one truck.

Bridge inspection season has two forecasts: sunny and windy, and sunny and windier.

Snooper Truck (n.): A vehicle with an arm that lets the inspector see the underside of the bridge and the supervisor see the underside of the budget.

Lane Closure (n.): A traffic restriction that gives the inspector eight hours and gives every driver eight opinions.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Girder.
Girder who?

Low-wind season is when the turbines finally get a rest.

Why did the inspector bring a book to the weather window?

A weather window is the gap between 'too windy to climb' and 'too late to start.'

Towers stand so still.
Seven calm days, and then wind
the hour we begin.

Weather Window (n.): A short stretch of good weather, scheduled around the crew's availability, which has not read the schedule.

Rope Access (n.): A method of reaching the blade in which the inspector hangs around and the schedule hangs on.

Ever notice that the wind dies down the day after the crew leaves site?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tower.
Tower who?

Why did the rail inspector refuse to take a shortcut?

A rail inspector's day ends when the last train has passed, which is never when the schedule says.

You might be a rail inspector if...

The inspector got a four-hour track window and rode the hi-rail truck out to mile marker 112. Setup took an hour. The first mile took another. By the third hour the dispatcher said a freight train was due. 'How much did you cover?' he asked. 'Eleven miles,' she said, 'and one rail that needs a second look.' She cleared the track with ten minutes to spare. The train was an hour late anyway.

Ever notice that the train running late is always the one that shows up early when your window is closing?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rail.
Rail who?

At year-end the production line gets so busy that even the castings feel the pressure.

Why is the inspection bench the busiest place on the dock in December?

The holiday shutdown begins when the last accepted part leaves the dock and the last inspection report arrives in the inbox.

Last day of the year.
The lot needs one signature.
The pen is missing.