Rail inspectors never get lost.
Show the Punchline
They always follow the track record.
Rail Jokes
Inspection humor from the world of rail. 40 jokes made for rail, plus 974 more that fit every industry.
Seasonal pack: Track Season
What did the hi-rail truck say to the technician after fourteen hours?
Show the Punchline
I'm running on fumes too.
Why did the rail inspector bring a ruler to the meeting?
Show the Punchline
To measure the gauge of the client's patience: 56.5 inches, standard.
In a rail yard, the track you need to inspect is always the busiest one.
You might be a rail inspector if you can tell a yard's mood by how many boxcars are parked on the wrong track.
The track inspection crew arrived at the yard at dawn. The dispatcher said, 'The track will be free in about ten minutes.' Four hours later, it was still about ten minutes. The crew learned that in rail, 'ten minutes' is a unit that doesn't convert.
Why was the wheel inspector such a good judge of character?
Show the Punchline
He could always tell who was well-rounded and who had a flat spot.
Ultrasonic Testing of a wheel axle is a real turning point in the part's career.
What does a hi-rail inspector have in common with a train?
Show the Punchline
They both run on a schedule somebody else wrote and nobody follows.
What is a rail inspector's favorite kind of rail flaw?
Show the Punchline
The one found before the next train does.
A hi-rail truck is the only vehicle that can drive on the road and on the railroad, and be late for both.
Rail work is the only job where the best view for eleven hours is the same two lines.
The track is the same width it was a century ago, and the paperwork about it is a different revision every month.
You might be a rail inspector if you can tell what time it is by the sound of the freight train, and which train it is by how long you've been waiting.
You might be a rail inspector if you pack your lunch for the work window and eat it in the last few minutes of the work window.
The railroad granted the inspection crew a four-hour track window. They set up, got on the rail, and began. At minute 200 the dispatcher radioed: 'Good news, you've got five extra minutes.' The crew lead asked, 'What do we do with five minutes?' 'Same as always,' said the dispatcher. 'Clear the track.'
A rail inspector drove forty miles on hi-rail to check one reported crack. She found it, measured it, wrote it up, and drove forty miles back. Her supervisor asked how it went. 'Smallest crack, longest drive,' she said. 'It all comes out evenly on the report: one line.'
Ever notice the sound of the train you're waiting for is always the sound of a different train?
Nobody warns you that rail flaws are like trains: you wait for one, and three show up together.
Ever notice the track chart has every milepost, every switch, and every siding, except the one you're standing at?
Track Window (n.): A scheduled block of time on the rail, minus the time it takes to get there, set up, wait, and leave.
Sunrise on the rail
Cold steel hums a freight train's song
Window now open
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ballast.
Ballast who?
Show the Punchline
Ballast time I checked, this track was supposed to be free.
Are you a mile marker? Because every time I see you, I know I'm on the right track.
The rail inspector never worries about job security. He says it has deep roots and plenty of ties.
Rail inspectors have an easy time making decisions. They just follow the line.
The rail flaw detection crew says theirs is the only job where being on track is a requirement.
Show the Punchline
The schedule, sadly, is optional.
Rail flaw detection is a job that takes you places.
Show the Punchline
Mostly the same two hundred miles, back and forth, slowly.
Why did the rail inspector refuse to take a shortcut?
Show the Punchline
The only thing shorter than the shortcut was the track time window.
What do hi-rail trucks and rail inspectors have in common?
Show the Punchline
Two sets of wheels, and a nervous relationship with the schedule.
A track time window is a promise from the railroad that expires the moment a train shows up.
A rail inspector's day ends when the last train has passed, which is never when the schedule says.
You might be a rail inspector if...
Show the Punchline
...you know the train schedule better than your own calendar.
The inspector got a four-hour track window and rode the hi-rail truck out to mile marker 112. Setup took an hour. The first mile took another. By the third hour the dispatcher said a freight train was due. 'How much did you cover?' he asked. 'Eleven miles,' she said, 'and one rail that needs a second look.' She cleared the track with ten minutes to spare. The train was an hour late anyway.
Mile marker one-ten.
Flaw marked, window closing fast.
Train horn: time to clear.
Track Window (n.): A block of time on the railroad that the schedule gives, the dispatcher shortens, and the inspector spends racing.
Track Time (n.): The window between trains when the inspection happens. It is always fifteen minutes shorter than the work.
Ever notice that the train running late is always the one that shows up early when your window is closing?
Nobody warns you that the longest part of a rail inspection day is the drive just to reach the track.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rail.
Rail who?
Show the Punchline
Rail-ly wish this window would last longer.