Oil and Gas Jokes

At 3 a.m. on a turnaround I realized I'd been finding indications for two hours that moved whenever I rotated the probe. The wedge was cracked. The only discontinuity on the job was in my equipment.

The technician spent the morning chasing a signal across the heat exchanger tubes. It showed up in every tube, always at the same distance. She finally traced it to the support plate, which had been on the drawing the whole time.

The drone that inspected the flare stack was a real hoverachiever.

The Magnetic Flux Leakage scanner is a great listener. It picks up everything that leaks out.

Why did the Magnetic Flux Leakage scanner find the pit so quickly?

The technician was ninety feet up and tied off when the battery warning flashed. She saved her data, climbed down and swapped in the spare. At the bottom she gave the instrument a short lecture about timing. It stayed on the rest of the shift out of respect.

Corrosion under insulation is the problem you can't see, but it knows you're coming.

The refinery turnaround was so badly planned that on day three the crew did exactly what the name says.

What's the most expensive thing on a shutdown?

What do you call a scaffold without a tag?

Why does every tool at the top of the stack have a lanyard?

What does ASAP stand for during a shutdown?

A refinery turnaround is a month of planning for what changes in the first six hours.

The client said the turnaround was on schedule, and the schedule was on a different continent.

You might be on a shutdown if you know every vending machine in the plant by its worst snack.

You might be a turnaround veteran if you say 'scope growth' in the same tone as 'rain delay.'

At 2 a.m. on a refinery turnaround, the crew lead asked how the Magnetic Particle Testing was going. 'Third weld of forty,' I said. Then the crew lead asked what day it was. Neither of us knew, so we settled on 'night shift.'

The night crew finished the last tank at dawn. As they walked to the truck, the sun came up, the day crew arrived, and the client's manager waved. 'Great timing!' he said. 'We have one more tank.'

Area Release (n.): Official word that the hazards have checked out, so you can check in.

Hot Work Permit (n.): The one piece of paper on site that can tell the schedule 'not yet' and be right.

Turnaround (n.): A scheduled shutdown during which the plant stands still so that everyone else can run around.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Scaffold.
Scaffold who?

Are you a scaffold tag? Because I wouldn't go anywhere without your approval.

How long is a refinery turnaround?

Corrosion under insulation is the original cover-up.

A work permit is valid for one shift, and the job needs a shift and a half.

You might be a refinery inspector if you own more helmet stickers than business cards.

The operator wanted the storage tank floor inspected without taking the tank out of service. 'Does it have a floor?' asked the inspector. 'Of course.' 'Then I'll need to see it.' 'It's under a million gallons of crude.' 'Then I'll need a million gallons less crude,' said the inspector, 'and about three weeks.'

Jacket peeled away,
rust has painted the pipe wall.
The schedule turns pale.

Corrosion Allowance (n.): The extra wall thickness a vessel is born with, which the plant spends like an allowance on a Saturday.

Turnaround (n.): A month of planned work that begins with a two-week surprise.

Ever notice that a unit that is 'ready for inspection' always needs one more valve closed, one more blind pulled, and one more permit signed?

Nobody warns you that the weld you need to inspect is always at the top of the tallest tower, and the elevator is always 'being repaired next week.'

Why are heat exchanger tubes bad at keeping secrets?

What did the thickness gauge say to the outside of the pipe elbow?

What is a pressure vessel's least favorite day?

Every refinery has a corrosion circuit map, and every inspector owns a favorite highlighter.

The distillation column inspector says the job is all about fractions, but the schedule is the part that doesn't add up.

That pipe elbow has had a rough life. Everything keeps running into it.

You might be a refinery inspector if one pressure vessel's inspection file is thicker than its shell.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Turnaround.
Turnaround who?

The plant manager asked how long a heat exchanger bundle would take. The inspector pulled it, cleaned it, tested every tube and wrote the report. 'Great,' said the manager. 'And the other twelve?' 'Same,' said the inspector. 'Twelve times.' The manager did the math and quietly sat down.

Ever notice that operations measures a thin spot in mils and maintenance measures it in weekends?

At a turnaround the unit is down, but the pressure is definitely up.

The turnaround scope was frozen on Monday. By Wednesday it had thawed, grown, and added an exchanger.

Why did the inspector love the opened vessel?

What is the most important tool at a turnaround?

Why did the pulled tube bundle get so much attention?

At a turnaround the schedule is a plan, a prediction, and a work of fiction, usually all on page one.

By day twenty-six of a turnaround, the only relevant discontinuity is in the schedule.

You might be a turnaround inspector if you have ever said 'See you in thirty days' to your family and meant it.

The scheduler asked the inspector when the vessel would be done. 'When the scaffold is up,' said the inspector. The scaffold lead said, 'When the permit is signed.' The permit office said, 'When the inspection plan is approved.' The inspector smiled. 'That's what I'm waiting on.' Everyone agreed it was the one thing all week that had gone in a perfect circle.

Vessel opened wide,
scaffold goes up, permit signed,
clock keeps ticking on.

Turnaround (n.): A planned shutdown in which a refinery spends millions to open everything, look inside, and be surprised.

Ever notice the vessel is opened on day three and the findings show up on day twenty-eight?

Nobody warns you that at a turnaround, 'one more exchanger' means eleven more exchangers.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Manway.
Manway who?